The Webcam

Ok, I understand. The spark has gone out in your marriage. The last meaningful conversation that you had with the hubby involved debating the merits of morning vs afternoon kindergarten for Junior, and the little fellow had his high school orientation last Monday. In fact the only time your spouse shows interest in you is when you are holding a football under your right arm and are dressed in the astroturf nightie! You’re in your late 30s to early 50s, you still look good, and you’re craving male attention. Then one day your wild neighbor, Trixie, tells you about her new toy that she purchased for her computer. The webcam!

Webcams were once expensive items, but like most technology, over time the prices have fallen drasticly. I’ve seen them for sale online for as little as $10. Almost everyone I know has one, except me, but hey, I play to my strengths. Wit, intelligence, charm, and ummm…humility. Women are acutely aware that we males are visual beings. Enter the webcam and the unspoken meaning of words and phrases as they relate to the online world. For example, ” it’s complicated” meaning ” the spouse is due home from work any minute and I cannot afford to get caught again.” Or ” separated” meaning ” the spouse is in the family room.” When a woman says, ” would you like me to turn on my cam?” it translates to ” play your cards right and my blouse will be on the floor in 5 minutes.” Or so I’ve heard. : )

But ladies, before you indulge in your exotic dancer fantasy, prior to calling yourself “Jaguar” or “Destiny,” you may want to consider the experiences of 2 ladies I once knew online. A 40 yr old, high school cheerleader advisor from Cleveland who thought she was camming for a guy working the pipeline in Alaska, only to find out he was a poser. He was actually her neighbor from acrossed the street ( though in fairness he may have been working a pipe). Or the 38 yr old mother of 4 who believed her voyeur to be a gentleman in California, only to find out that her vid pal was the church deacon residing next door ( lends a new meaning to he has risen, doesn’t it).

So enjoy your camera, yes I know you told the hubby you’re using it to talk to your weird aunt Edna, the one who never married and smells funny. But you’re her favorite and figure prominently in her will . And sadly, Captain Clueless actually believes you. While I’m not opposed to a little fun, ladies, please be vigilant. You could end up on a video feed at the local Moose Lodge or Police Department computer ( think American Pie). Peace to all…John