So You've Joined a Dating Site

You're in your 40s or 50s, your wife ran off to the Bahamas with that co-worker she was always complaining about, and after 3 months of anger and 3 more months spent hoping she would come back, you've finally come to grips with the fact that you are suddenly single. Your occupation doesn't lend itself to meeting dating prospects and your approach in the produce aisle at Kroger has everyone bowing their heads and saying " lettuce pray."< garden variety pun>.You're tired of looking nightly at internet porn with your tongue hanging down to your dupe. So you've joined a dating site. No, you're not a loser, you're not home on a Saturday night dialing the " Desperate and Dateless" hotline at your local radio station. But there are some guidelines one should adhere to.

1) Your picture
Under age 40, women tend to be more into a man's looks, after age 40, they really don't care whether or not you have a 6 pac, they only hope you didn't down one on your way to the first date. No scowling like Dick Cheney or smiling like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy. Any picture that is not currently being displayed on a "Sex Offender" site should suffice...

2) Picking Your Name
This is important, right away you are provided the opportunity to display some creativity. Wait!!!!! By this, I do NOT mean a name such as " NineInchMale4U" ( unless you're joining "Adult Friend Finder" as there are many names such as that there....er...so I hear). Stay away from names such as "Plumber Joe." You'd sound like one of the cards in a deck of Old Maid. "Luvs2Camp" "BikeridingMale" and " A Running Man" are all good choices. Even if you haven't left your sofa since the Clinton administration, you appear to be an active guy.

3) Your "hook." The introductory line sites require of you that acts as a title for your monologue that will follow. Avoid lines such as " ready to try again" " a new beginning" or " love the second time around." Hey, you're middle aged and on a friggin' dating site, no need to remind everyone you've failed before. I use my Parcelguy name with the hook line " retired UPSman but I still deliver." Clever, some innuendo, but fun. This is not to say that if you are a plumber, you should use a line such as " 45 yr old plumber still layin' the pipe." That may be a bit overboard.

4) Your monologue. Be HONEST. The b s lines that work on Bambi and Tiffany will not fool Cathy, Linda, and Lisa. Do not start out with " I'm an intelligent male..." because 40 and 50 something women tend to be healthy skeptics, they see " intelligent male." as an oxymoron. No need to embellish yourself with any adjectives, a simple " I am male" is more than enough and you do not entrap yourself. By that I mean you are a male, right? Why set yourself up for failure under the harsh examination of a shrewd female???

5) Avoid listing bogus interests or hobbies. Do not say that you love opera when you think Carreras, Domingo, and Pavarotti are members of the Italian National soccer team...

Ok...there you have it, you've had the guts to put yourself out there, that in and of itself takes some doing!!!!! Good luck to you!!!! Peace to all, and with my tongue mostly in cheek ; P Have a GREAT week all... John

Are You Married or Seeing Anyone?

Yesterday, July 1st, pension check electronicly deposited in my checking account and even if I do not sell a house this month, I've money to live another 31 days!!! As I'm strolling through the grocery blissfully enjoying my life and contemplating the biggest choice I'll have to make this month, whether to get the Edys Brand or Texas Gold ice cream, my decision is placed on the back burner as I hear someone say " John!!!." I look up to see a lady I worked with at UPS and her husband, marching along behind her. I greeted them with a handshake, we discussed retirement and the joys of not answering to anyone, the fact that Mondays and Tuesdays are no different than Saturdays and Sundays. Then he did it, said the words that always set the devious female mind into action. " It must be great, especially for you, doing your own grocery shopping, buying what you want." BINGO!!!!!! Here it comes. She asks me, " So John, are you married or seeing anyone?"

< Big sigh> They just cannot STAND it!!!! They're like sharks in the water, they SENSE it!! A single guy, happy and smiling, gleefully lusting at the 17 different brands of ice cream and she wants to make me miserable!!!! Women just HATE seeing a happy, contented male! I panic, searching for the right answer as not to fall prey to the trap being set before me. It's not in my nature to lie, even if I try, I'm so bad at it a bubble appears beside my head with the word "LIAR." So as perspiration runs down my face I blurt out, " I'm not seeing anyone but there is the dream of someone." OH KERRRRRRRIST!!!!!! I sound like Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. What a wussified answer!!!! I feel myself floating aimlessly at sea on a rubber raft of desperation. Smelling fear and vulnerability, she moves in for the kill! As I resign myself to the fact that she'll now want 4 or 5 of my business cards to hand out to various other sharkettes, the Coast Guard, in the form of her husband, saves the day!!!!! " Hey, we got to go NOW, we are to be at the home of some friends shortly and are already late." He grabs her by the elbow and guides her past me as I shoot him a look of gratitude. He pats my shoulder and says " Nice seeing you, John, take care" as he firmly pushes her down the aisle and keeps me out of harm's way.

Yes, I came within a hair of starting down the " loss of freedom road." Only the swift action of a sympathetic male saved me from enslavement and eventual wussification. It has happened on numerous occasions, yet I'm never prepared when women spring into action, attempt to fix me up with that friend, relative, or neighbor that would be " just perfect for me." And of course, I always get " John you're such a happy, nice guy, you need to share that happiness with someone." Cause and effect, ladies, perhaps my happiness is rooted in my solitude??? Peace to all...John

She's Gone Quiet Again

Over the years, I've met a few women who withdrew as a way of dealing with adversity. I wrote this for one such lady. Peace to all...



She's gone quiet again
it's how she deals with pain
she withdraws deep inside herself
won't even speak to friends
the pattern just repeats itself
she cannot break the chains
tried hard yet cannot wash away
her past and how it stains

She has nothing to say
can't even type her thoughts
she struggles to express herself
but gets tied up in knots
she says no one can help her
as she heads down this road
it seems there is no rescue
when she goes to silent mode

She just can't convey
the things she wants to say
she is at a loss for words
says words have lost their way
I'd like to try and help her
take her hand, lead her to light
and I am right here for her
if she wants to call or write

She's gone quiet again
like when she was a kid
she promised that she wouldn't
yet just as before she did
But who am I to judge her?
I don't walk in her shoes
I hope that she will find the strength
to speak and thus break loose

Dating Advice For Men

I've been thinking ( yes I am capable of thought ) that it might be time to rejoin the dating world. I'm quite certain that my buddies at UPS are NOT going to deliver the lady of my dreams to my door. It's been 3 years since my last meaningful relationship ended, and while I'm on the subject I'm happy to report that I am no longer a suspect . I realize that I'm not the only guy that may be embarking on this journey. So as a public service, I thought that I'd post some tips.....

1) Feigning interest....your mind is really thinking about the Laker/Cavs game but you're out with a woman who is rattling on about every negative trait of her 5 ex husbands. By acting as if you care, you'll get through dinner and quite possibly to Camelot...Practice this look in the mirror, and later you may be using your lance a lot...

2) She's showing cleavage and you're a chest man......the twins are in full display, they act much like huge magnets and your eyes are cheap metal. Make sure you do NOT get caught oogling the goods. Before you sit down, know her eye color in case she asks you for it....lacking that, at least know the number of eyes she has...

3) Compliment her on her hair.....women really seem to like that...Sure her look may be stuck in the 90s ( and in some cases I mean 1890s ) but you're sure to score points with this approach

4) Now I heard Andy tell Opie to " tell her she smells good." Be careful at this point. I did this once, the lady laughed and said the water had been turned off in her neighborhood due to a busted main line, she had taken a " whore bath" meaning a damp rag wiping herself off...What I was smelling was the stain she used on her deck 2 hours earlier.....

5) Don't relate your past dating history....this is a HUGE no no. For example, you tell a female that you've had 20 dinner dates in the last year, she concludes you slept with 30 women!!!! It's fuzzy female math that I've yet to figure out, I guess they assume half of your dates brought along a friend. If asked, you've my permission to lie. Even though you have dated 20, it is best to say 2. At this point it is better to be seen as a loser than a guy that is in demand < big wink >.

I hope you guys derive some benefit from my wise counsel, I also hope you realize it is mostly tongue in cheek. Good luck to all, may you all discover happiness ( or very strong wrists ). Peace to all...John

'I'm Going to Meet a Friend"..Successfully Meeting Offline

I recently had an online friend travel to meet a gentleman with whom she had been chatting. It did not work out in this particular instance, but she was able to tie in a visit with an online couple with whom she had also been chatting. That meeting was a success! Which brings me to my message I'd like to share today. It and 75 cents will get you a Coke, but if it saves one person a little heartache, then it's all good. When meeting your online chat partner, approach it as if you are simply meeting a friend. You increase your odds of success.

At this point, I feel it's necessary to make full disclosure. I myself have fallen head over feet with a chat partner. I've had to rein myself in a time or two. It is oh so easy to fall, to form that attachment. You're sitting safely within the 4 walls of your home, trading stories, sometimes the anonymity can lead to sharing intimate details with your "trusted" partner. The text chat eventually leads to talking via phone, which serves to further personalize the bond. You begin to make the object of your adoration the "perfect" partner, your soulmate. When one reaches this point, and I've seen it play out in a very public way in chatrooms and on social sites, one is sitting oneself up for failure. The expectations become so hard to reach in many cases, and your ability to reason slowly slips away. Try to keep it in the proper perspective.

It takes guts to put oneself out there, to roll the dice and step outside the confines of the computer screen. I've turned many VIRTUAL friends into REAL TIME friends over the past 14 or 15 years, there was a lot of trial and error involved on my part. Here are a few tips that I think can be helpful......

1) meet in a public place,,,,when having the initial meeting,never meet your internet friend at his or her house.

2) avoid meeting at a vacation spot or resort....is it the company of your friend that you are enjoying or are your senses being overwhelmed by all the whistles and bells?..

3) make him come to you....I'm constantly amazed by the number of women who are willing to jump off of a plane and into the car of a complete stranger!!! You're in unfamiliar surroundings and you've accepted a ride with a man whom you've never met before. Call me old fashioned but if a man has an interest, he can come to your town and get a hotel room. Ted Bundy was an officer in the Young Republicans club, the BTK killer was a Lutheran church Deacon. I don't mean to be so extreme, I'm just trying to make a point....safety first

4) with safety in mind, you tell him you want to bring along a trusted friend....if he objects, "next" him...But John, his feelings will be hurt because I don't trust him...NEXT!...He thinks I'm being overly cautious...NEXT!... He says he won't meet me if I bring someone else along..NEXT!....Any reasonable man is aware that you need to ensure your safety..

5)trust your instincts....if you feel your partner has not been forthcoming or has practiced deception, you're probably correct. Trust the little voice inside your head.

6) dress casually and try to have a relaxed approach.

I've witnessed very public crash and burns on this site in the past 18 months, several times they've involved my friends. In the aftermath, I've had women write me. " John, why didn't you try to stop her? She is your friend, you knew that she was heading for a fall." The simple answer is that the women would not have listened to me. The online love endorphins are so strong that the men involved could have served them a pile of crap on a plate, told the ladies it was prime rib, and the gals would have asked for seconds. You cannot reason with drunks or those in love.

When I first entered the online world, I'd see women in local chatrooms sit by and watch as men who had victimized them took advantage of a new lady. I thought they were uncaring, cold, catty, delighting in watching someone fall prey as they did. So I asked one of the gals, I found out that I was wrong. " She would not believe me, John, these guys are good at what they do. He'll tell her that I'm jealous because he rejected me and she will believe him." I hear you, sister.

Many of us hate to see our online friends suffer heartache. But by failing we often learn. We cannot save our friends, but we can soften the blow, help them to rebound and move on. The added pressure of a romantic entanglement can lead to poor decision making when meeting people offline. In my opinion, it is best to use the "K I S S" method. Keep it simple, stupid. As soon as safeguards are met, meet sooner rather than later. Think " I'm going to meet a friend."...peace to all....John

Todays Troubled Youth

Quote attributed to Peter the Hermit 1274 A D

"The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of
today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for
parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as
if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is
foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest
and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress."

"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on
frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond
words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and
respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise
[disrespectful] and impatient of restraint" (Hesiod, 8th century BC).

Funny isn't it? For centuries, elders have always been critical of the young, with Google it was easy to find several examples in support of my observation. I too have been guilty of it. Perhaps it is a rite of passage into AARPdom? No, now I'm blame shifting. I do it because it is what we ol...um...mature people do.

I was reading blogs relating to internet behavior, most were written by people 35-60 years of age. The blogs were critical of young people and their behavior, especially as it relates to the internet. Some of these people, particularly in the few blogs and responses I've read, have pictures posted of themselves in various states of undress. Others have pages with pictures of themselves striking various " come hither" poses. We never see it in ourselves, do we? I had a 59 year old woman tell me that a man whom she had met on the net and dated, emailed her a picture of his " little soldier." Lends a whole new meaning to " site member." It's not something that is specific to a certain age group.

At any rate, the world will survive. Elders have always thought the young disrespectful, conversely the young have thought the elders out of touch. I'm reminded of the song " We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel. Especially that part of the chorus that goes " we didn't start the fire, it was always burnin' since the world's been turnin' "...

When I research a subject such as this, I find I always learn something.
Until today, I thought Peter the Hermit was Peter Noone peace to all...John

Come For the Boobs, Stay For the Brains

Hey Lady Godiva

"Lady Godiva, you say you wanna be loved
For what's inside
I don't know much about horses but you
Sure picked a funny place to ride";........... Shel Silverstein, song recorded by Dr Hook
__________________________________________________- _____________________________________
"What have I got
That makes you want to love me?
Now, is it my body or someone I might be
Or somethin' inside me?

You better tell me, tell me
It's really up to you
Have you got the time to find out
Who I really am?"........Alice Cooper

"Come for the boobs, stay for the brains" the heading read. I chuckled at her line. I must admit, as I read her profile and viewed her photos, her wit and assets were both on display in ample amounts. We males are such visual beings. But those of us fortunate enough to have lived to the point of acquiring lines in our faces and grey in our hair know, she is right. Looks fade or one grows tired of "pretty." Don't believe me? I give you exhibit A, Scott Baio.

Many of us remember Baio from "Happy Days" as The Fonz's cousin, Chachi Arcola. Or as the lead in the syndicated series, "Charles In Charge." Recently he has starred on VH1's " Scott Baio is 45 and Single" followed by "Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant." Back to my story. Years ago, Baio was a guest on The Howard Stern Show. No question is out of bounds when one is a guest on Stern's show. Stern asked Baio what he was worth, to which Baio replied around 17 million. Stern was amazed at the amount, Baio quickly informed Stern that Henry Winkler was responsible for his wealth. Winkler had advised Baio to take less money to act on Charles In Charge and instead negoiate for a percentage of syndication money. Syndication made Baio a wealthy man.

Eventually, as it seemingly always does on Stern's show, the talk turned to sex. This was years ago, and Baio had just broken up with Pam Anderson. Stern smiled and acted as if he was astonished that Baio could let Pam get away. Baio tried to explain, in a very roundabout way, that he was not stimulated in other ways. Finally he told Howard a story. Baio had played at a golf tournament and was sitting in the clubhouse restaurant with a bunch of guys. The group included golfer Lee Trevino. In walks one of the most gorgeous women Baio has ever seen, the entire group of men stare. Finally Trevino says, "I know what you're thinking, guys. But remember, somewhere there is a guy that is tired of that."

So yes, most smart men ( oxymoron ) stay for the mind, the humor, the personality. As a single male, I'm attracted to a pretty face as much as the next dog...er...man. But if an online lady types "there" for "they're and their" uses "your" when "you're" is required, and under favorite authors responds with " I don't read" ( obviously) most thinking men, IMHO, won't be interested in anything long term.

Stay for the mind...bravo, she understands me! Now where was that bikini photo? peace to all...John

Any Male

that won't accept you at your very best is not worth having as a friend or a part of your life." I told my oldest daughter this when she was in the 8th grade. I'll tell you what brought about this piece of advice I delivered to her about 14 years ago. Being that I was a UPSman, delivery was my strength : ).

Her mother and I had divorced the previous year. I was the non-custodial ( gee I hated that word ) parent. I came home one evening and the light on my answering machine was blinking. I had a message waiting for me from my ex. Sarah had brought home her interim report card and was getting C s and D s!! This was a young lady that had never gotten anything but A s. My ex asked me if I would talk to Sarah about it, and I agreed to have a conversation with her.

I sat down with Sarah the next evening. I told her that it was typical for children of divorce to slip academicly but I wanted her to know that her mother and I both loved her. I asked her if anything was troubling her and was caught off guard by her reply. She told me that she liked this boy at school, but he told her that she was too smart for him, and he didn't like smart girls. She thought that if she let her grades slide that he might like her. I then told her that any male that did not encourage her or accept her at her very best was not a guy worth having as a friend.

In the weeks that followed, Sarah's grades returned to normal. Years later she was working as a reporter at a small newspaper and I called her and asked her to lunch. As we sat there, we spoke of " life lessons" and how we never stop learning. She told me that night over ten years earlier was an epiphany and she had gone forward surrounding herself as best she could with people who were positive influences.

My ex and I rarely agreed upon anything but the one area where we found common ground was stressing the importance of education to our two daughters. Education empowers one, it provides more choices, it is the key that opens more doors.

Over the past 14 years, I've often found myself sitting acrossed the dinner table from women who had felt trapped in a marraige or a relationship. They'd relate how they'd allowed themselves to be totally dependent upon a male, how they had no education or job skills. Some had lived many years in quiet desperation, feeling helpless and hopeless. As I'd listen, my mind would drift to my young daughters and how I hoped they'd never experience the life these ladies had lived.

Sarah is married to a supportive man, when the time comes I hope Mollie picks wisely as well. We've often talked about the importance of surrounding ourselves with positive influences.The reality is that over 50% of marraiges fail. Their degrees should provide them with a safety net.::crosses fingers:: Peace to all...John

The Seal of Approval

It started innocently enough one summer in the early 70s. My buddies and I were at a swim club, free from the rigors of school and enjoying a day off from the landscaping company where we all worked a summer job ( it had poured rain during the night and earlier that day). As we sat there girl watching, a young lady strolled by. A debate began, with our group breaking into two factions, discussing the merits of this particular female. Finally one of the guys said, " I don't care what any of you guys think, she gets my seal of approval." My buddy Doug laughed and said, " Yes, the seal of approval" and began to mimic a seal, clapping his hands and barking " arf arf arf." And thus a tradition was born! From that point on, no matter the venue ( and sometimes we really pushed the envelope) when an attractive lady passed by, we awarded her the "seal." There were times as many as ten of us would be sitting someplace, and we'd break out the seal. " Arf arf arf " and clapping our hands. It was always spontaneous, which made it fun for us, albeit no less juvenile. Often the object of our attention would walk over and ask us what we were doing. Most would leave smiling or giggling, though shaking their heads. Many times in the years that followed, I'd hear stories of how guys had awarded the "seal" to some unsuspecting lady. I'd just roll my eyes, we'd gone through our 20s, 30s, 40s, and were now into our 50s and we were still behaving like idiots!

Many of the guys became very successful, Doug had a moving business and was an auctioneer. A week before Thanksgiving in November of 06, my girlfriend Liz and I mutually agreed to split, and I called Doug to schedule a move for her. I gave her the furniture as I had decided to start a new chapter with new furnishings. Doug and I talked and laughed, we were both in good spirits once the conversation ended.

The Thanksgiving holiday passed, Liz moved to her new place and I to mine. I went to my mailbox on my way to the office, Doug had sent a bill to me for Liz's move. I drove to our office where we were having an office meeting. I called Doug's secretary to tell her I'd drop off a check the next day. She said, " good John, because we need the money. Doug is not doing auctions, he is under Hospice care." I hung up, the Hospice remark going over my head. I walked back into our meeting, sat down, looked acrossed at one of the agents...then it hit me!!! " Diane, Hospice is terminal care at home, right?" " Yes John" she replied.

I bolted out of the meeting, dialing Doug's wife. Doug had lost a lung to cancer a year earlier but they thought they had gotten it all. Two weeks earlier, he had some trouble breathing, and they had gone to the hospital. The cancer had returned, he had been given two weeks to live. " John, if you want to see him, you'd better come today."

I charged out of our office and headed to their house. When I arrived, Doug was sitting in a recliner, on oxygen and heavily medicated. His wife had a 60s music channel playing on the T V. He asked me to hold his hands and I did, he was freezing and they were cold as ice. I'd known Doug since age 8, we both sat there, two 51 yr old males discussing our lives, our adventures. Each breath was a struggle for Doug, but through his pain he spoke of our adventures, the times we were " bounced " out of two places, the day 6 of us drove our go carts through the back gate and into the parking lot of the Kart N Go, then finally the times we awarded the " seal of approval." He'd laugh then struggle just to breathe.

He was dying and he knew it. He told me there was no miracle coming, to enjoy my life, remember the fun and the seal of approval. I told him that I loved him, for the first and only time in the 43 years I'd known him. He drifted off to sleep. There was a house full of people, I said my good-byes and left.

Doug died that evening. I told his son that Doug had squeezed 100 years of living into his 51 years of life. I've never met anyone who enjoyed their life and living, just having fun, more than Doug. Sometimes I incorporate the "seal of approval" when I'm flirting online. I always think of Doug when I type it, and I smile...Peace to all...John

The New Doctor

This morning I had my first appointment with my new doctor. My prior doctor had moved to Virginia to be closer to his aging parents. I liked him, he had worked with me on labs and bloodwork. When I had retired from UPS, I joined the ranks of the uninsured. He'd had work done at discounted prices. But that is a blog for another day.

I arrived sharply at 8 a m just as the office was opening. My appointment was at 8:10. I reported to the receptionist, signed in, prepaid for my visit, then took a seat in the waiting room. Soon a nurse called out my name. My B P was taken, weight measured, and my pulse and heart rate documented. She said, " your pulse was 82 on your last visit, it is 70 today, that is great. Were you stressed on your last check up?" I smiled and said, " yes, I think I was" as I remembered the shapely nurse that had taken my vitals on my previous visit. "The doctor will be in shortly," she said as she left.

Two minutes later, my new doctor entered the room. " I'm doctor D," and he held out his hand, " hiya doc, I'm John." He looked in my ears and listened to my heart. "Great, he's following the normal pattern," I thought to myself. " He'll tell me to lose weight, refill my prescriptions, and then I'm outta here!" " Stand up for me and drop your pants." Ok he caught me by surprize, but I complied. I'd known this man ten minutes and I was lowering my pants. It reminded me of some internet dates I'd had ...er...had heard about. "Gee doc, you didn't even buy me breakfast" I said. He laughed and told me to cough. I did, he made a few notes as I pulled my pants up.

"Wait, we're not done. Turn around and bend over as far as you can" he said as he put on a new set of gloves. Gawd I hated rectal exams, I hadn't had one since my days at UPS. When he finished, I said, " you know I hope you send me flowers this afternoon." He laughed and we discussed my health. I suggested semi annual visits instead of quarterly and he told me that he had no problem with reducing my visits.

I don't know how women do it, some medical examinations are so invasive. Which reminds me, did he have two hands on my shoulders?? Peace to all...John

The Webcam

Ok, I understand. The spark has gone out in your marriage. The last meaningful conversation that you had with the hubby involved debating the merits of morning vs afternoon kindergarten for Junior, and the little fellow had his high school orientation last Monday. In fact the only time your spouse shows interest in you is when you are holding a football under your right arm and are dressed in the astroturf nightie! You’re in your late 30s to early 50s, you still look good, and you’re craving male attention. Then one day your wild neighbor, Trixie, tells you about her new toy that she purchased for her computer. The webcam!

Webcams were once expensive items, but like most technology, over time the prices have fallen drasticly. I’ve seen them for sale online for as little as $10. Almost everyone I know has one, except me, but hey, I play to my strengths. Wit, intelligence, charm, and ummm…humility. Women are acutely aware that we males are visual beings. Enter the webcam and the unspoken meaning of words and phrases as they relate to the online world. For example, ” it’s complicated” meaning ” the spouse is due home from work any minute and I cannot afford to get caught again.” Or ” separated” meaning ” the spouse is in the family room.” When a woman says, ” would you like me to turn on my cam?” it translates to ” play your cards right and my blouse will be on the floor in 5 minutes.” Or so I’ve heard. : )

But ladies, before you indulge in your exotic dancer fantasy, prior to calling yourself “Jaguar” or “Destiny,” you may want to consider the experiences of 2 ladies I once knew online. A 40 yr old, high school cheerleader advisor from Cleveland who thought she was camming for a guy working the pipeline in Alaska, only to find out he was a poser. He was actually her neighbor from acrossed the street ( though in fairness he may have been working a pipe). Or the 38 yr old mother of 4 who believed her voyeur to be a gentleman in California, only to find out that her vid pal was the church deacon residing next door ( lends a new meaning to he has risen, doesn’t it).

So enjoy your camera, yes I know you told the hubby you’re using it to talk to your weird aunt Edna, the one who never married and smells funny. But you’re her favorite and figure prominently in her will . And sadly, Captain Clueless actually believes you. While I’m not opposed to a little fun, ladies, please be vigilant. You could end up on a video feed at the local Moose Lodge or Police Department computer ( think American Pie). Peace to all…John

Corn Is Corn....Surviving A tough Economy

" John, corn is corn," Jan told me. Jan was a single mother of 3 kids and she lived on a tight budget. She was visiting me one Saturday and had decided to fix us a meal. When she looked into my pantry ( chicks dig a pantry ) she found cans of Del Monte corn. " You can buy 4 cans of the store brand for what you paid for a single can of Del Monte. You're paying for the advertising, marketing, packaging etc." As she continued to lecture...um...speak, I lasped into my "Charlie Brown" mode, I'd perfected this method of tuning people out during almost 20 years of marraige. As she continued, I heard Charlie Brown's teacher, " wah wah wah wah wah wah." She knew I had tuned her out and said, " you know what, you get someone to fix the Del Monte corn, I'll fix brand X and we'll see if you can tell the difference." "Ok, we'll have a Corn Challenge," I said as I laughed.

Now while I'll agree that some store brands are as good as the premium brands, there are some areas where I refuse to compromise. My canned veggies were one of those areas. Raisin Bran, got to be Kelloggs, don't put a bowl of Post Raisin Bran in front of me, I'd rather eat bark from the tree of your choice. But with the real estate market being very bad and my pension check what it is, I make less than half of what I earned at UPS. So these past few years, I find myself pushing my grocery cart and my mind speaking to me " do you really need the Charmin Double Ply, can't you live with the Sandpaper brand? Sure that bread is like chewing on cardboard but it's 29 cents a loaf. Here comes an attractive woman, suck in that gut, smile, and try not to embarrass yourself." Ok while the last thought has nothing to do with choosing my purchases, it does have to do with checkout ::rimshot::.

Flip Wilson once said, " the cost of living keeps going up, and the chance of living keeps going down." I paid $2.69 a gallon for gas today, I find myself cutting back in every phase of my life,I never thought my two favorite forms of entertainment would be blogging and Kroger. I really feel for young families with several kids and a mortgage.

Oh!!! Jan and I never had the Corn Challenge, some guy with a mullet and a motorcycle rode into her life and she rode out of mine. Maybe I oughta go with that biker look, perhaps a tattoo.." Born 2 Blawg" ::grin:: Peace to all...John

My Geriatric Baby

I've a lot of time on my hands with the real estate market being slow. After reading this perhaps you'll think too much. But it was suggested earlier that my music would soon be playing at the old folks home. So I get this vision in my head. The weekly dance, girls and guys swaying to Foghat's " Slow Ride" ( let's face it, at that age what other kind of ride would it be?) The " Orthopedic Sock Hop"...I turn to a guy and ask, " you think her's are real or falsies?" only at this age we mean teeth!!

Last night as we danced on the floor
how the light hit your hair
it's beautiful reflection masked
the 3 inch bald spot there

you were a delight on the floor
I watched you in amazement
I don't think anyone would guess
you've had 2 hip replacements

the conversation we enjoyed
my dear you were a talker
and how your brand new dress did match
the color of your walker

yes oh your bright and winning smile
an image that will last
to see your teeth shining outside
the confines of a glass

and when I grew a little bored
we played some dot to dot
it helped to get to know you by
connecting liver spots

so meet me at Bingo tonight
cause girl I'm hoping maybe
we'll repeat events of last night
my geriatric baby.....

Discount Dissin'

I'd finished my phone duty at our real estate office and after doing some research for a client, I hurried out to my car. I was hungry so I headed off towards the city of Huber Heights as there are plenty of dining choices from which to pick. I had the urge to love on some chicken, suddenly remembering that the KFC in Springfield had a buffet, I did a 180 and headed in that direction.



Twenty five minutes later, I arrived at the KFC. There was a gentleman in line ahead of me, as he placed his order, I heard the young lady cashier tell him that he was entitled to a discount. He received $2 off of the regular price of $8.95 for the buffet. He paid the clerk, with a hungry look in his eye and a smile on his face, he went off to attack the buffet. Then it was MY turn.



"I'll have the buffet as well," I told the young lady. " Am I entitled to a discount too?" I asked. " How old are you, sir?" she replied. I informed her that I was 55 and she said yes, patrons 55 and older get a discount. I recently turned 55 thus I was eligible. A smile crossed my face as she placed plates, napkins, and a cup on a tray for me. Then I pressed my luck, I went a bridge too far. Thinking about future visits, I asked the cashier, " Does this discount have a name?" " Yes sir, it is our " Senior Discount," she said. Ouch!! " I may want to reconsider and pay full price."


I headed off to join my fellow aging warriors of the Buffet Brigade, knowing we'd all be napping shortly after eating. Peace to all.......old John : )

We've Lost The Knack

"Oooo, you make my motor run, my motor run ...gun it comin' off of the line, Sharona."

Doug Fieger, lead singer of The Knack, died yesterday after a long battle with cancer. He was 57 years old. The Knack was formed in 1978, the group broke onto the music scene in the summer of 1979 with their debut album entitled " Get The Knack." All music buffs are familiar with their first chart single and biggest hit, My Sharona, a song Fieger co-wrote about his then girlfriend of 4 years. I wore this album out, when I was in my mid 20s it was one of my favorites.

The group failed to duplicate the success of their debut album, critical backlash against their controversial lyrics ( which are rather tame when one listens to todays music ) and group infighting led to disbanding. But they were a big part of the power pop music that bridged the 70s to the great music of the 80s. Their music also helped to drive a stake through the heart of disco, for that reason alone we should all be thankful.

Perhaps it is a bittersweet irony that a rocker whose biggest hit was about the love of his life should pass on Valentines Day. Thank you for the great music and R I P ( Rock In Paradise) Doug Fieger.....

Of Valentines and Hallmark Girls

"I'm feeling a little down, Valentines Day is approaching and I've no special person in my life,"a recently divorced 40 year old woman typed to me. " Maybe it's the girl in me," she continued. We'd randomly encountered one another on a website a few weeks beforehand. She'd told me details about her life to which I'm certain her closest friends and family lacked knowledge. According to her, she'd had a hellish marriage of 23 years duration. Yet her spouse had favored her with candy and flowers on occasion of Valentines Day. Today she was feeling melancholy.

My mind drifted back to several years ago, to a conversation I had had with a lady on AOL. I had met her in a local chatroom, she had recently moved here with her husband and family. We shared a love for sports and humor, so we'd often "loft"( people in chatrooms talking in private/instant message). She began to attend offline functions, room dinners and parties. To this day, she may be the most grounded person I've ever met from cyberspace. One year as Valentines Day approached, I recall asking her if the hubby and herself were doing anything for it. "I'm not a Hallmark girl, John, I insist on being treated well each day of the year, a calendar should not be a catalyst for special treatment." She explained they would go on "dates" and strive to keep their relationship strong.

My thoughts returned to my 40 year old chat partner. I reminded her how well she was doing, of how though she had never worked outside the home, she'd already received a promotion and was a department head in the retail business that employed her. I pointed out other positive aspects and of how she was making great strides both personally and professionally. Our conversation ended, she had to get ready for work, she gave me the virtual equivalent of a "hug" and was on her way.

It's human nature to get a little down at times, particularly around holidays. We humans also tend to fixate on our problems instead of giving ourselves credit for our accomplishments. We all enjoy feeling special, woudn't it be great if we could attain that feeling 365 days a year? Peace to all....John :-)

My Dog Loves Me

Death, taxes, and I'm a goofball....: )

I got a letter in my email
was from my online friend, Michelle
she told me all about her life
it's turned around, there's much less strife
she'd found some guy who provides support
asked if I had any news to report
well Chelle I've got no lady, you see
but it's ok, cause my dog loves me

Now Pepper she loves me without condition
she doesn't bitch cause I lack ambition
she lays against me as I sleep
not in THAT way, you perverted creep!
she walks with me with each new morning
if trouble comes, she barks out a warning
while Iams costs money, the food ain't free
it's so ok, cause my dog loves me

one day again I may find love
a gal to be my turtle dove
one who'll fill my dreams and wishes
who'll mow my lawn and do my dishes
but without a woman, i've never wept
because I've got my faithful Pep
who doesn't mind that I'm leisurely
my life is great cause my dog loves me

Hurts So Bad

I was talking to a friend on the phone, we were discussing relationships as his gf had just moved away. It was a clean break, but we begun talking about painful endings. He said, " some sound like a country song, it hurts so bad, it's like you're still here"....To me, it sounded more Kurt Cobain-esque...I slept on it, then I came up with this...

I'm awakened by the cold, hard rain
the night passes and nothing's changed
stuck in the past, can't get it in gear
it hurt's so badly, it's like you're still here.

I'd compromise for relationship's sake
the more I'd give, the more you'd take
I blame myself cause I knew it was wrong
It hurts so badly, like you've never gone

All of your cheating, and all your lies
all the other men you felt you could hide
tears fall like the rain that I hear outside
it hurts so badly, like you're here by my side

One day soon, I'll bounce back, and you'll see
you'll be no more than a bad memory
thrown 'way like the trash I was to you, dear
I'll move forward, won't hurt like you're still here.

Cyberlove

Our chat started innocently enough. She was a stay at home mom of 3 kids who was taking courses at a local college. A devoted mother who was home-schooling her children and by all appearances was very happy. As she talked ( typed ) about her life, I couldn't help but observe that she did not mention her spouse, though her profile information stated that she was married. So after a few minutes, I asked about her hubby. Thus began another sad tale of the power that the internet can have over some users.

They were new to social networking on the internet and they enjoyed the opportunity it provided to meet new people. After a few weeks, her hubby asked her if they could mutually agree to allow one another to "flirt" ( often code for cybersex ) with others online. She agreed to flirting, she admitted to flirting on occasion, but it didn't occupy a huge portion of her online time. Then one day, she opened her hubby's cell phone bill. The bill contained $400 worth of calls to a woman in another state. When she confronted her husband, he admitted to an infatuation and that he and the lady had begun arranging to meet. She told him those 3 little words men often hear in these situations..." PACK YOUR STUFF!" The hubby had fallen into cyberlove.

The chat ended and I digested what she had told me. There was once a time when I believed that internet affairs were symptoms of trouble that was already brewing in a relationship. While I still think it is true in most cases, I'm convinced there are times where folks new to the internet, and who may lack online savvy, fall victim to cyberlove. We chat in the safety of our homes, often alone and secure in our den or study. The feeling of safety and the one to one dialogue between people, the often intimate setting, can lead to revealing one's deepest secrets and innermost feelings about self and family.
A bond is often formed over a period of several chats, based on communication and trust, no different than real world relationships...except for one caveat...it's based solely upon words, there are no actions.

The internet is all sunshine, blue skies, and everyone gets a puppy. There are no bills to pay, morning breath, parenting issues, or other life situations with cyberloves that one finds with a real time partner. Real spouses are at a disadvantage when forced to compete with a cyberlove. The cyberlove has no apparent "warts." Where else but the internet can the thrice divorced, unemployed male with a substance abuse problem, and living in his mother's basement be known as "Superman?" Name another place where the verbally abusive and negligent mother can be known as "Angel."

I've met hundreds of people offline, there are a lot of good people but there are also some that are nothing like the online persona that they've created. I'm amazed at people who would not buy a house or car sight unseen but will drop everything to run off to be with their virtual loves, though I do understand the process that leads to these decisions. In every instance that I've known or heard about, the people involved are new to the net and have never met anyone face to face offline. IMHO, we should go slowly and be healthy skeptics when online. Trust should be earned, we have only the word of our chat partner with no others to vouch for him/her in most instances. We think because we are honest, others are as well. Sadly it is often not the case. That it the virtual reality. Peace to all...John