Female Speak

I chuckled to myself earlier as I read a blog about "Women's Responses." So much truth in them. As a guy who has lived 55 years and had my share of (failed ) relationships, I thought I'd add a few more pieces of advice for my fellow males who may not be as savvy as myself.

Women will ask questions, but in reality, men, they are commands. For example: "Wouldn't you like to run to the grocery for me?" Ok...It's 5 minutes prior to kickoff on Monday Night, you've busted your tail at work ALL danged day, the thought of tonight's game being the saving grace that allowed you to endure this lousy day. The last thing you want to do is run to the grocery, but you've no choice, because what she is really saying is, " I'm going to take a 2 hour bath, run to the grocery and get me some Marlboro Lites, fixings for tomorrow's lunch salad, and some lotto tickets." We know that if we don't do it, there will be the devil to pay. So in order to maintain the peace, we go. The smart man picks up a gallon of her favorite ice cream or some chocolate, therefore opening the possibility to his little soldier being sent on manuvers when the game is over ; ).

" Are you going to watch that game?"...Fellas, this is NOT a question, it is a challenge. A line is being drawn in the sand, and this could be the defining moment in the relationship. If you cave in, you may as well hand her your balls, you've no longer any use for them. But if you hold your ground, there is a good chance that " Mr Happy" isn't going to see any action for quite some time, and you had better have those internet porn sites bookmarked. Fortunately, unbeknownest to her, you bought 2 tickets to the touring production of " Phantom of the Opera" two weeks earlier, now is the time you pull them from your wallet. Not only do you get to watch the game, but you've a good shot at oral sex, and let's face it. It's like Ray Romano says, when we normally get it, we're reminded to renew our driver's licenses. Oh!!!!! Make sure to buy tickets to the Friday night performance, NOT the Sunday matinee'..or else you'll miss next week's game ; ).

" Does this dress make me look fat?"...Ok guys....It is ok to LIE here, in fact I encourage it. What's that? She always said she wanted honesty? Look pal, a padded bra, a girdle, and make-up, how honest is that? Tell her she looks great, but do not go overboard, thus risking what little credibility you still have. I've been on many a female's page on different websites, a suggestion if I may...tell her that she looks " stunning"...it seems to work on most dating sites

Peace to all..... John

Mail Order Bride

alternative option for those seeking romance......

Seems you're all searchin' for love,

well I'm no different than you

though I'm not cool with using

most online venues

I've tried most everything

I need to try something new

wanna tell you about this email

so indulge me for a few

It said " mail order bride"

and we've got quite a selection"

Well why not give it a try?

I thought upon reflection.

it had a questionaire inside

seeking my interests and dreams

it was quite comprehensive

or so it surely seemed

So I filled out the form

with the best of intentions

and answered every question

without any exemptions

included my Visa card number

so they'd act right away

then I got a fast reply

said she'd arrive in 3 days!

exactly three days later,

was a knock at my door

and I'm telling you, friend

was more than I bargained for

standing there before me

right in front of my eyes

was my mail order bride

he said," hi my name is Clyde"

I said,"wait just a minute

oh for goodness sake

you're not what I ordered

this is a big mistake"

Clyde said," I've your order here

your protest I can refute

I'll read the list outloud

we'll settle this dispute

He read, " you like sports and music

interests we share, it's true

you like to spoon after love-making

well you know I do too

you prefer blondes with big chests

come on, look directly at me

tell me honestly, John

isn't that what you see?"

God you know he was right

What else could I say?

his physical attributes

were clearly on display

we did have things in common

there was no doubting that

and as I took a second look

I thought " Clyde is really phat!"

So I decided to keep him

give this all a trial run

and perhaps, who knows?

Clyde and I might have some fun

Seems the least I can do

entirely within reason,

Clyde can provide companionship

through the football bowl season...

Redemption

Over the 27 years I was at UPS, I was privileged to work with many people, some made a career of UPS, others used it as a stepping stone to a different path. One of these individuals was "Jack", a young man who worked the preload ( workers who load the UPS trucks for daily delivery). Jack always had a big smile and a good word whenever I encountered him, a positive person in what can be a stress-filled work environment. "Wait until you go into driving, Jack, they'll knock that smile off of your face," I kidded him. "I'm not makin' this my life, John," he said. "Besides, you're always smiling.' He was attending classes and hoped to pursue a career in law enforcement.

A few years later, his dream came to fruition. Jack became a police officer, I'd often cross paths with him as my UPS route was on the area he patrolled. Whenever I saw him he always had the same ready smile and friendly demeanor. He told me that he enjoyed being a policeman and he seemed genuinely happy and content. Then one morning as I walked into the building at UPS, I could see groups of people gathered and talking, 3 or 4 people reading the newspaper. Jack had been arrested and charged with dealing drugs, I couldn't believe it. But there it was. I followed the story via the media, the trial, the conviction, and his sentencing. I felt a huge sense of disappointment and sadness.

Several years passed, frankly I had forgotten about Jack. Then one Saturday morning, I went to the doctor's office to get my yearly D O T required physical. As I signed in, I looked acrossed the waiting room to see a chiseled man with arms as big as my thighs and his head shaved bare. He was an intimidating figure. As he gazed back at me he smiled, one I recognized from years earlier. " Hey John, how's it going, man" he said as he moved in front of me and extended his hand. "Jack, nice to see you," I said as I shook his hand. We exchanged small talk for a minute or so, then he must have read my mind. " John, I f@cked up, man, I've got no excuses." I told Jack that I had been disappointed with him and sad that he had destroyed his dream. He told me that while in prison he had alot of time to think. He had worked the "burial detail" which was responsible for digging graves for inmates that died while in prison, those whose family or next of kin could not be located. He said that as he dug graves, he couldn't help but think how somewhere there was someone to whom this person mattered. He vowed that when his sentence ended, he would make a difference. We chatted for several minutes before his name was called, I shook his hand and wished him the best of luck.

It's been years since I've seen Jack, the last I heard he was counseling kids through his church, relating his story in hopes that others would not follow the same road. We all have a past, skeletons in our closets, things we'd just as soon forget. Our futures do not have to be married to our pasts. We all make mistakes, it does not necessarilly make us bad people, it makes us human. Life can be about second chances...and redemption...Peace to all....John

Top Ten Lines From My Internet Dates

Yes...I once used the internet exclusively and often to date..for many reasons...it was a target rich environment..rejection was much easier to take and could be handled in an adult manner ( when they declined I simply flipped off my computer screen where their instant message was displayed)...mostly dinner and conversation..though if you tell a woman you had dinner dates with 70 women from the net, they assume that....you've a platinum Visa card. What follows are pretty much lines said to me on first dates...and my responses..some I verbalized...others I just thought it and smiled..enjoy

10) said at Bravos restaurant in Dayton Ohio.."I don't eat like this often" ( Do you mean with utensils?)

9) said in a Frickers ( it's a chain of sportsbars, like B W 3s) in 1995, when everything on the menu was $3.95.." I don't sleep with a man unless he spends $40 on dinner"..( does that include the tip, Deb?)

8) said in the lobby of a Holiday Inn..." hi John, I'm Tina...would you like to get a room?" ( why am I on the clock)

7)said in a Fridays restaurant by the first woman I met from the net from my hometown, a 37 yr old.." this will probably make you run, but I've been married 7 times" ( for better or worse but not for long, eh Lisa)

6) and the line that followed .." but it's not as bad as it sounds, I married two of them twice" ( Hell, I only wanna know how many are still alive!!)

5) said in a Holiday Inn outside of Toledo Ohio when I declined the opportunity to ummm....indulge.." aww you're a sweet guy the first one not to get a room" ( I swear I'm not making it up )

4) said in a Max and Ermas in Dayton Ohio when I asked a lady if she was nervous as she kept looking around.." well John, I'm not married, if you are concerned that I lied about that...it's just that I've a stalker from work...but I have a T R O.." ( check please )

3) said in a Chilis in Beavercreek, Ohio in 1995 when a 32 yr old lady ( who had just told me she had been divorced 4 times ) insisted I tell her about my recent divorce.." John...don't take it hard....it's never about us" ( ah contraire...32 and 4 divorces...it IS about YOU!!!)


2) said over dinner at Tumbleweeds.." I'd like to discuss some positions I don't like" ( me too, such as shortstop, I'm older, heavier, and don't cover the ground I once did )

1) said in a Bob Evans by a lady I met for a casual breakfast " I guess the picture I sent you was a little dated" ( hey...it's my fault...I should have recognized Churchhill standing beside you )

The Coat Tree

In 1997 I'd been divorced about 2 years and had decided that it was time to buy a house. I settled on a small house in a little village that was located in the school district my daughters attended at the time. After moving into the house, I noticed it had no living room closet ( ok I'm a guy ). So I bought a coat tree, it suited my purposes, it wasn't like I'd be hosting foreign dignitaries.

One Friday night I was heading out my front door to play poker with a group of guys, we played the second Friday of every month. I was the only non-smoker in the group, so when it came my time to host, I'd give one of the other guys some money for refreshments and pass on my turn. As I was heading out the front door, for some odd reason, I moved the coat tree, which held my long, winter coat and a baseball cap, from one side of the door to the other. I then left for the evening of cards and solving world problems.

Now usually, the game started at 8 p m an d would end at 1 a m, but on this night we played on until 4 a m. When we quit, I'd found I had won about $5. What a disappointment! Eight hours of cards for $5? But hey,I told myself that I always enjoyed the fellowship of the other players, trying hard to rationalize sitting in a smoke filled room and dealing with a headache. I also smelled like I myself had smoked 5 packs of cigarettes. After a round of good-byes and thanking the host,I got in my car and headed home.

I pulled up in front of my house, I'd forgotten to turn on the porch light and had neglected to leave a light on inside. Dang!! Sleepy, tired, a throbbing headache, I struggled to open the door. Finally I got the key to turn the lock and I entered my home. It was dark, but out of the corner of my eye I picked up a presence! Someone had broken into my house, I could see a coat and a hat!! I acted quickly, I swung mightily at the interloper! As my fist continued past where a head should have been, I suddenly realized I was going mano y mano with my COAT TREE!!!!! The force I put behind my blow carried me along with it, I fell forward into the coat tree, taking it to the ground and breaking it in two!!! In the dark, I lie down on the floor beside my broken adversary, laughing like an idiot, trying to catch my breath.

I did not replace my coat tree, why invite trouble into one's home? Peace to all...John

A Cat Picture

I was so naive when I first drove up the entrance ramp and merged onto the internet highway 13 years ago. I found out the room titled " C D Chat" was NOT about music, but cross-dressing ( those guys messaged me for days )I thought I'd relay something else that happened in my first few days online...

She was the first female I chatted with,

a quick wit and a sharp mind

A thoroughly delightful lady

one I was lucky to find

after we'd talked a while, she asked

"would you like to see my cat?"

I said, " ok, send that picture my way"

she's an animal lover, imagine that!

in a few seconds, the picture arrived

I clicked on the email icon

and in the next few moments

my online innocence was gone

where is the cute face

the tail, and the 4 tiny paws?

where are the little whiskers

and the kitty's 4 sharp claws?

this breed was not familiar,

in the picture that she took

so I thought I'd better blow it up

solely to have a better look

It was not a siamese, a bobtail,

nor was this cat an angora

Could be an American Shorthair

but still I was not sure uh

I guess the point I seek to make

here within my rhyming prose

that things can catch one by surprize

some pics come without clothes!

the online lessons I have learned

I ponder, this cold day in December

and with each file that I open could,

give new meaning to "online member"

My First Internet Offline Date

I first posted this blog December 18th of last year. I've a lot of new people that come to my page and thought that they might get a kick out of it : )....Peace...John ..

My ex and I divorced in 1995, I had moved out of our house in April of 94, first living with my mother ( that guy was right, you can't go home again ) then in August of that year, my own apartment. After the divorce and indeed throughout the split, I had my 2 daughters, ages 12 and 7 when the process started, every weekend. One Friday evening in June of 95, 4 months after the divorce, I came home to my apartment to find my ex had dropped the girls off and they were sitting on the sofa looking as if they'd just lost their best friends. " Girls, what's the matter, we're gonna rent some videos, order a pizza, it's going to be fun"...." Dad, we've something to ask you" Sarah, my oldest daughter said. " But first go get your shower and change"... " Oh no, you two look serious, we're addressing this now, so you ask me".... Sarah said, " sit down, Dad" and I did, the two of them stood silent for what seemed like forever but finally Mollie, my then 8 yr old, looked up at Sarah and said, " you ask him, YOU'RE the OLDEST!" So Sarah said, " Ok Dad, here it goes....Are you gay?" Now to each their own, but I don't play on that team. My first impulse was to jump up and yell "NOOOOOOO" but instead I calmly asked, " Why would you think that?" She said, " We never see any women around here"...I replied, " Girls...you never see any men either, do you?" They agreed that they didn't, I then went on to explain how we were all in a transitional period and their adjustment and happiness was my first priority. They said their mother had begun dating and I should as well. Soooooo...

I knew I did not want to date women from my UPS route, no married friends with the best of intentions that had " a woman that is perfect for you" either. So I got online, and began chatting on AOL. I chatted with " Fanny" ( not her real name, used because I'm certain I've never met anyone from the net by that name). After a few chats over a 4 or 5 day period, we decided to talk via phone. " Hi John, I'm Fanny" she said, " 40 years old, 5'3, 120 and I've been told I turn heads" ( which could mean a few different things if you think about it) " Why don't you come down to my place in Cincinnati tomorrow, we'll cookout and have fun" It was the 3rd of July, my family was all out of town, so I agreed to meet her, I had to start somewhere. Fanny gave me directions to her place and the date was set, dress was to be casual.....

The next morning, I showered and set off on my adventure. I was nervous, I was 40 years old and had not been out with anyone but my wife since I was 18. Fanny met me at her front door, she was very pretty, or as the men say when they comment on pictures on websites " stunning" ( do these guys know any other adjectives). She asked me inside, where she introduced me to her 11 yr old son who was my height at 5'9, the father must have been a tall dude. I shook his hand, the mother said to him, " now go to your friend's house, I'll call you later" and shoved him out the door. There I was, 75 miles from my place, alone in a house with a woman I'd met a scant 5 minutes ago .

She said, " come follow me down the hall, John " and she walked me down the hall to the last bedroom on the right as the intro to Heart's " Barracuda" played in my head. There were beads hanging where a door once was " this is my entertainment room, go on in and get comfortable, I'll get you something to eat".. There were throw pillows on the floor and an entertainment center..I awaited her return. She came back with a bowl of strawberries and whipped cream, I KNOW I should have known it was " game on" but remember, at this point I was the Gomer Pyle of dating and I was like " Shazam!!!!! Strawberries, my favorite...thank you" she laughed and said, " You're welcome, now I'll be right back, I'm going to change into something more comfortable" I ( Gomer) thought, " What could be more comfortable than a T shirt and jeans?"

I returned to my place on the throw pillow I had chosen, as I sat down, my logical side kicked in.." I just met this woman 10 minutes ago, what if she laced this bowl with drugs?" I decided not to eat them, as I placed the bowl on a nearby table I heard her coo, " oh John" ..I turned to see her in bra and panties, a see through sheer robe or cover of some sort on over it. Now at a point later in my single life I may have handled this differently, but suddenly I was scared to death! I was barely ready to take the training wheels off of the Huffy and I was being handed the keys to a Porsche! I stammered, " I-I-I think I need to go...I've given you the wrong impression" and I moved to go past her.. " Oh please don't go, I'm sorry, I'm so lonely, please stay" and she dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around my leg.

I'm now in the hall of a house outside Of Cincinnati, Ohio with a scantily dressed woman whom I'd met 20 minutes earlier, a "death grip" on my right leg and all I could see was tomorrow's headline in the Cincinnati Enquirer" ... " Local Woman Assaulted In Home By Internet Fiend"... I moved down the hallway, returning to the front door, her firm grip on my leg tight as ever. At some point she transitioned from a lonely, sobbing woman to one that defiantly INSISTED that I remain with her. I got to the front door and it was.......LOCKED!!!!! Now I thought she'd locked me in, but at a later time I reasoned she had locked the door to prevent her son from surprising us. " Oh please God, I promise NEVER to meet another woman from the net ( that pledge lasted about 2 weeks ) if you get me out of this" I looked to my right and there on the table was a key, I opened the door, and then looked at Fanny" I'm counting to 3, you either let go of my leg or we're both going out this door" She said, " you're too nice, you won't do it"...one....two......THREE!!!!!..I went through the door, Fanny still clutching my leg. It was a busy, 4th of July suburban neighborhood, the sight of a nearly naked Fanny and me breaking free from her hold caught the eye of a few, I heard a whistle as I ran to my car and she rushed back inside. As I drove away, I reached into my back pocket, yep...still got my wallet...I noticed that my Jimmy Buffett tshirt was soaked with sweat! ...

What did I learn? Never meet someone at their home on a first meeting....and....ask if she intends to serve strawberries when we dine

I Can't Drive 55 Either, Sammy

"Go on and write me up for one twenty five. Post my face, wanted dead or alive. Take my license, all that jive. I can't drive fifty five."...Sammy Hagar...

Tomorrow is the day. I turn the double nickel, I'll be 55 years old! It's hard to believe, but time marches on. The old rockers whose music I listen to now own old rockers. I saw an aging Eric Clapton doing a commercial for Fender T-mobile Mytouch, without the music and older footage of him, I may not have recognized ole Eric. And I'm a big fan ( and one look in a mirror would support this statement). Age is such a relative thing.

I remember when my mom turned 30, I was 11 at the time. I recall feeling a sense of sadness as I thought mom had begun playing the back nine of her golf course of life. Then came the day when I turned 30, of course I still considered myself a pup at that time. Heck, the "old" guys were the over age 50 drivers that I worked with at UPS, the guys who bathed in Old Spice and Brut, whose bones cracked and joints popped when they walked. Yet number 55 approaches. I'm dealing with it well, though I know that I'm not really old.

Yet I think part of the reason that I did not renew my AARP membership was that, to my way of thinking, old farts belong to that organization. Damnit I am not that feeble YET! Now would somebody please pass me the whole wheat bread and bran flakes? Peace to all...John : )