Are You Married or Seeing Anyone?

Yesterday, July 1st, pension check electronicly deposited in my checking account and even if I do not sell a house this month, I've money to live another 31 days!!! As I'm strolling through the grocery blissfully enjoying my life and contemplating the biggest choice I'll have to make this month, whether to get the Edys Brand or Texas Gold ice cream, my decision is placed on the back burner as I hear someone say " John!!!." I look up to see a lady I worked with at UPS and her husband, marching along behind her. I greeted them with a handshake, we discussed retirement and the joys of not answering to anyone, the fact that Mondays and Tuesdays are no different than Saturdays and Sundays. Then he did it, said the words that always set the devious female mind into action. " It must be great, especially for you, doing your own grocery shopping, buying what you want." BINGO!!!!!! Here it comes. She asks me, " So John, are you married or seeing anyone?"

< Big sigh> They just cannot STAND it!!!! They're like sharks in the water, they SENSE it!! A single guy, happy and smiling, gleefully lusting at the 17 different brands of ice cream and she wants to make me miserable!!!! Women just HATE seeing a happy, contented male! I panic, searching for the right answer as not to fall prey to the trap being set before me. It's not in my nature to lie, even if I try, I'm so bad at it a bubble appears beside my head with the word "LIAR." So as perspiration runs down my face I blurt out, " I'm not seeing anyone but there is the dream of someone." OH KERRRRRRRIST!!!!!! I sound like Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. What a wussified answer!!!! I feel myself floating aimlessly at sea on a rubber raft of desperation. Smelling fear and vulnerability, she moves in for the kill! As I resign myself to the fact that she'll now want 4 or 5 of my business cards to hand out to various other sharkettes, the Coast Guard, in the form of her husband, saves the day!!!!! " Hey, we got to go NOW, we are to be at the home of some friends shortly and are already late." He grabs her by the elbow and guides her past me as I shoot him a look of gratitude. He pats my shoulder and says " Nice seeing you, John, take care" as he firmly pushes her down the aisle and keeps me out of harm's way.

Yes, I came within a hair of starting down the " loss of freedom road." Only the swift action of a sympathetic male saved me from enslavement and eventual wussification. It has happened on numerous occasions, yet I'm never prepared when women spring into action, attempt to fix me up with that friend, relative, or neighbor that would be " just perfect for me." And of course, I always get " John you're such a happy, nice guy, you need to share that happiness with someone." Cause and effect, ladies, perhaps my happiness is rooted in my solitude??? Peace to all...John